Scuba Humor

 

 

 


My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.


One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"


Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!!!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"


Seen in he Personal Ads column:

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat.

Please sent photo of boat.


Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive." The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore." The PADI  instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"


Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"


Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.)
During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.
It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, "That is really nice — after all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names."
Bill looked round quickly and whispered, "To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago."



A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got another set of dive gear in there, too!"


A cheap diver bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000 pounds from his tank.
Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.


Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-power fins.
His buddy signaled: What? You can't out swim a shark!
The diver signaled back: I don't have to out swim the shark - I only have to out swim you!


A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken.

The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim's front door and said "I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some very good news",

Fearing the worst Jim said "Give it to me straight, what’s the bad news?"

"Well we’ve found your wife’s body" came the solemn reply,

"Oh my God" wept Jim…… after a while he said "well, what’s the good news?"

The dive officer excitedly said "You wouldn’t believe it, when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!"

After some time Jim said "what’s the very good new then?"

The dive officer said "Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!"


 

Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto?

An anvil!


 

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!"

 


 

Useful Hand Signals Not Found in Diving Manuals



How To Fail Your Open Water Test


How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Narc'd



What Not To Say On A Dive Boat



When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?

 


 


How Good Is Your Instructor?

Does your buddy hate you if: -



Is your buddy experienced if: -


A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her "Here, Iron this!"


On my last major dive trip, I think I spent too many days on the dive boat. One evening, while in the bathroom of my lovely resort hotel room, I caught myself looking for the bucket to put the toilet paper into…


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Brian


What does PADI stand for?

Put Another Dollar In.


How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four Skin Divers


 

This is what happens if you fart in a wetsuit