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"Whut makes you Thank Teksuns Tawk Funny"



Real Stories...

Texan Killed Friend Who Drank Last Cold Beer

BANDERA, Texas (Reuters) - A jury on Thursday (December 5th 2002) handed a life prison sentence to a Texas man who shot and killed a longtime friend he accused of drinking the last beer in his refrigerator.

Jurors deliberated for less than two hours before passing the sentence on Steven Brasher, 42, for the murder of Willie Lawson, 39, on Nov. 5 last year.

"There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie not to take my last beer," Brasher said in a taped statement that was played during the trial.

Testimony showed Brasher shot Lawson in the head with a pistol after the two began arguing over the missing beer. Brasher maintained the shooting was an accident



East Texas Engineering Exam...

1. Figure the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet, 54 Chevy,
Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your cousin Billy Bob builds a still that operates at a capacity
of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.  The
density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut down all the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine.   When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs will be bad hurt?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has 5 chillins. When growed, can each of
the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail.  Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it
will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.  The
mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to
breed a country-western singer?



Texas Chilli Contest...

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1:- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2:- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3:- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4:- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5:- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6:- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7:- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3 - he appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't even feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8:- Helen's Mount Saint chili
Judge One: A perfect ending; this is a nice blend chili; safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Frank: (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report).


An Aggie Joke...

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."


Click here if you want to know what an Aggie is